my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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