he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
