...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
