When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
