Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
