At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
