I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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