I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
