yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
