youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize