i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
