Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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