i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
