If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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