I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
