we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
