when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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