your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
