last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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