I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
