I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
