my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
