I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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