May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
