he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
