I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
