just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
