Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
