Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I faked an abortion last night.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
