The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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