Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize