Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
