So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
