Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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