her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize