My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
