i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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