if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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