I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
