Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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