i don't plan on having that self control this summer
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
So many bounce houses so little time
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
