Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
