Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
