how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
