During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
it was like eating out sand paper
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
