i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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