So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
