I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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