Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
