Little spoons don't ask big questions
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
