I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
