what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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