Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
