how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
