all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
