woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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