You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
A bitchslap is in order.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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