sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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