Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just made out with a guy for $7.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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