I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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