did you get engaged???
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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