I should be sponsored by Trojan
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize