One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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