I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize