Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
