Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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